Appropriate Responses to "When are you going to start having kids?"

Yeah, the furry face doesn't expect me to pay for a degree.

I love children. But, I’m sorry, there’s no question I dread hearing more than, “When are you going to start having kids?” And I know when it’s coming, because there’s always a lead in, like, “How long have you been with your fiancé?” or “You are so good with kids” or even, “You come from such a big family…” And I start to cringe. And I also start to sweat, because, honestly I feel like I’m being interrogated. It’s like all of my life’s accomplishments won’t really mean anything unless I have kids…and I have them soon!

It starts to make a girl a little bit bitter, because, I have worked really hard on my education, career, and my relationships with my significant other, family, and friends. And I am genuinely happy and in a good place. While I know that this question, generally, comes from a very naïve place and  the person isn't intentionally trying to offend me; it is offensive.

What if I were trying desperately to have children and I couldn't? What if it were a source of insecurity or pain? It is a loaded question and I am constantly scrambling to think, “What answer can I give this person that will make them feel satisfied?” “How can I justify my life choices?” Because, the truth is, it really isn't anyone’s business and is a deeply personal question. So with a lighthearted, satirical, spirit I have devised some answers to this question, that are probably, wildly inappropriate. But, I hope that you get a laugh or at least see the absurdity of having to explain to people why you aren't a mom, yet.

“So, when are you going to start having kids?”

1.       “How much money do you make a year?”

When asked an inappropriate question, it’s okay to answer with another inappropriate question. Trust me. I’m a professional.

2.    “I do have kids.”

And then just walk away. They’ll be very perplexed and that’s the point. They’ll assume you’ve lost your damn mind and leave you alone. You’re welcome.

3.      “I’m actually a hermaphrodite. I have a lot of male and female stuff going on. I see a specialist…”

This reply is only if you want to see a person break their neck to get away from you. They will be confused and uncomfortable and you will be ever so entertained. You can just keep talking as they run far, far, away.

4.      “Yeah, I’m not exactly sure how that works? How do you ‘make a baby?’ Can you elaborate on this for me?”

You can even talk about how you’ve been trying all kinds of different things, storks, fertility idols, but you aren’t really sure about the baby making process, itself.

5.     “I’m hoping to be Miss America next year. And I hate it, just as much as you, but no husbands or babies. Yeah, it sucks, but thems the rules. Thanks, Obama.”

You can tell who this is going to work on. It will really throw your nosy Aunt for a loop. She loves spreading gossip anyways, so it should be fun around Christmas, when you see the family again and they’re all rooting for their favorite contestant. And none of them will even realize you’re about 5 years too old to be a contestant. And to finish it off with a “thanks, Obama” man, they’ll love that!

6.     “Whew. I’m glad you brought it up! I have been meaning to really delve into this with you. Tell me all of your thoughts on why I should go home and start making babies today. You have 60 seconds to sell me on this…staaaaarting, NOW! Go!”

Sometimes I just like to switch the question around and pressure them. It’s just more fun that way.

Of course, you could always give them a legitimate answer, but how fun is that? Isn’t it waaay more fun to be absurd when asked a deeply personal and inappropriate question? I’ve come to realize that the bottom line is that I really don’t owe anyone an explanation. Being an honest person, who is also a people pleaser, I feel like I need to justify myself. But, you don’t. So you could always say, “I don’t really like to talk about that.” And any reasonable person should be able to respect your privacy. You do so many things of value and touch the lives of people around you, regardless of whether you are a mother or not. I’m about to blow your mind, you could go the rest of your life never reproducing and still have a happy, healthy, loving, life and leave a positive legacy for your loved ones. It is very much possible.

Motherhood is a wonderful experience (from what I’m told), but always remember this is the one life you are given and you have the freedom to live it the way you see fit. Don’t let external pressures dictate your path. Be happy. Be healthy. Be yourself.