Top 5 Inappropriate Christmas Songs

Let’s talk about Christmas songs, shall we? There are some pretty standard holiday themes: religion, presents, Santa, love, peace, etc. Isn’t that lovely and cheerful? However, we do have some outliers. I have divided inappropriate Christmas songs into 2 categories: Creepy and depressing. In the first category you will see songs that are taboo or even borderline rape-y. In the latter category you will see songs that I’m pretty sure the song writer is just drowning in their own SAD thoughts. So get ready to cue the scary movie music or the violins.

5. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bvK1F6bUrzU&noredirect=1

Is it a creepy song? NO

Is it a downer? YES

You’re not allowed to be a southern girl if you don’t LOVE Dolly. I do. I do. But if you have just a little too much holiday cheer and are compelled to have someone bring you down...like, have them bring you way down a few notches this is the song for you.

“Maybe I’ll clear my junk… Maybe I’ll just get drunk on apple wine.”

Clearly, Dolly is having a turd of a Christmas. She’s threatening to pack all her things and go, but she’s not going before she gets good and drunk…on apple wine. Pull it together, Dolly. But, she doesn’t, on the contrary, she spirals downward.

“…It’s like a hard candy Christmas I’m barely getting through, but still I won’t let sorrow bring me way down.”

I understand. A hard candy Christmas means you have so little money that you all you can afford are those hard candy sugar cubes. Ick. That’s tough luck, but you have to understand, Dolly, that when you declare that you aren’t going to let sorrow bring you way down, you are really implying the contrary. Might I suggest a Himalayan salt lamp for your seasonal affective disorder?  

4.

Is it a creepy song? YES
Is it a downer? NO

This song is just so dang weird. I don’t know if it was less weird when it was first released and just hasn’t aged well? But the creepiness of the song is exacerbated by the fact that I envision baby MJ “creeping” (it’s right there in the lyrics people) downstairs to have a peek when he sees mommy kissing Santa Clause and you know and I know for damn sure that Joe Jackson would actually NOT have shared a laugh about it with young, Michael. On the contrary, I think some domestic violence would have occurred if Momma Jackson cheated with the jolly man. So in short, I envision a very disturbing Christmas morning in the Jackson household. For the love of God, MJ keep this little secret to yourself.

3. 

Is it creepy? NO

Is it sad? What do you think?

With lyrics like, “Your son just wrote to Santa asked him to send you home. Yes Christmas without daddy, we’ll be blue and all alone.” Thank you for dying and ruining Christmas, dad! I'm not saying that people don't experience loss during the holidays, I'm just saying that technically it isn't something I'd want to put on to feel festive or if I'd just lost my dad...or husband. It's mostly just a really sad song that mentions Christmas, not technically a "Christmas song."

2.

Is it creepy? 100 times, YES!

Is it sad? NO

I can overlook the opening lines, "(I really can't stay) But, baby it's cold outside." I don't know the situation. There could be a blizzard or ice-storm out there. Maybe he's genuinely concerned for her well being? It's when she says, "I ought to say no, no, no, no sir" to which he tells her he's going to go ahead and move in closer "(At least I'm going to say that I tried) What's the sense in hurting my pride?" So for a second time girlfriend is trying to get away from him. 

The creepiest, most inappropriate part is when he obviously roofies her. "(The neighbors might think) Baby, it's bad out there. (Say what's in this drink) No cabs to be had out there." Exqueeze me? This is clearly the talk of a woman who is realizing she's in the presence of some very terrible company. And also I'd like to point out that I always thought he said, "Baby, don't hold out," but apparently it's "Baby, don't hold doubt." Whatever. They were just trying to think of a clever way to imply she's a prude if she doesn't sleep with him. Rape is bad (in my best Mr. Mackey voice.

1.

Is it a creepy song? YES
Is it a downer? NO

You will notice there is no link for this song. You don't need it. Trust me. The thing about this song is that people have very strong feelings about it, no one just feels lukewarm. I am part of the group of people who views this as another sappy, terrible, song that's just trying way too hard to give me all the feels and to that I have to politely say no thank you. And it's not because I haven't really listened to it. I have. In fact, all my mascara ran down my chin because I just finished watching the video. I get it. It's sad. But it's over the top. The little boy in the song already has a dying mother at Christmas (we're told she could literally die at any moment) and wow! that sucks, but we are also told that his clothes were "worn and old and he was dirty from head to toe." I'n beginning to think maybe the narrator should've done a little more than buy the kid shoes, perhaps he should've taken it a few steps farther and bought the kid some clothes and a meal if things were looking that bleak. 

This song is creepy, because the narrator tells us every last detail about the encounter from the kid being dirty, to his life story, and even that he tried to buy pricey shoes with pennies. Pennies, people! And then he snoops in on the kid's conversation with the cashier and hears about the dying mother and the possibility of meeting Jesus tonight and good lawd! Hey, snoopy McSnooperson how 'bout you mind your own beeswax? Due to the creep factor and the despair of this song this had to be number one on the list. 

What do you think? What are your favorite Christmas songs? What songs are just the worst?